blank.hurt.torn

It's frustrating!
If you can be at my place and understand how hard for me to say it.
I'm torn.
I just want to run away from everything and everyone.
I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
I try.
Can you at least understand?
Sorry is the only word I know now.
It didn't do any good.
I know.
I try.

words for my mother

Mum,

I love you
But I never know how to really say it
But I'll show you how much I love you
I'm sorry for all the pain you bear for me
I'm sorry for all the tears I caused you
For all the time you were worried about me
For all the sleepless night taking care of me
I'm sorry for all I harsh things I said
For all my actions that break your heart
You always there holding my hand
Hugging me
Comfort me
Wipe away my tears
I miss you mum
I love you
Thank you for bringing me into this world.

marriage talk AGAIN

First discussion I heard in 2012 is marriage. Lame! I know but I'm not getting any younger. To be honest, I'm quite worry about this since I don't have anyone. But, still I know that marriage is not determine by that. Sometimes it just happen. I'm happy for all my friends who already married or about to get married. And congratulations for my friend who about to welcome her 2nd child! Omo, 2nd already?! I'm really falling behind.

Marriage talk will never end until you're married, no? It's not about finding someone good as your partner, who doesn't want one but it's more about straighten yourself, prepare yourself to be a good partner as much you want your other half to be. I don't think I'm anywhere near it.

Marriage is not one of my plan for 2012 but we'll see. Life has no guarantee after all. So to Jieha, at least wait for me to get married first before you have your 3rd child, will ya?

Nothing like family~~

I have a great kick start on the first day of 2012! A full day with my big family. Cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles and even my beloved grandmother. A great day, fun filling day with my own blood relatives.

We start the day with bowling. The whole bowling alley have been booked especially for us. It's happening like always. Never a quiet moment. My family are like that. Next destination, eating durian, loads and loads of durian at my full of memories childhood place, Kuala Kubu Bharu. Small town, with historic building, and memories everywhere I see. Then, we head to Fraser Hill. Taking pictures, eating and nothing much. It's a great thing.

Cousin, lil bro, nephew

Cousins, nephew

Aunty and cousins

Grandma

Uncle, aunty, nephew

Cousins

Cousins and niece

There are a lot of different personalities in my family. For me, I grow up separately from my cousins which most of them grew up together. I think there are gap between me and them but I really try my best to fit myself with them. No matter what, family is family. And I hope we'll forever be as one. The family of Abu Hanifah's!

It's my family!

Embracing 2012

First entry of 2012.

2011 in review.

1. My research is a mess. I'm procrastinating for months! And yet, I need to face my sv and tell him what I'm doing now. I'm stressed!

2. I have massive fight with one of my beloved bestie. Things not going well for us, it just doesn't seem to fit like we used to be.

3. I achieved absolutely nothing. My planning all went haywire.

4. I didn't go to 2PM concert which was like the most anticipated concert in my entire life!

5. I have no saving at all. I used to have one, until I start spending like miss Hilton and cause me my saving. Great!

The good thing that happen to me in 2011.

1. My family is still a very happy family. Alhamdulillah.

2. I met Mr. Y after quite some times and I have his new phone number.

3. I met my students outside and they still remember as their teacher even I'm not teaching them anymore. Alhamdulillah.


I said I hate new year resolution. But I really need to set some goals for this new year.

1. I am 24 this year. I hope my patience increase like my age.

2. I need to start finishing my research. Finish my survey, data analysis and thesis writing. And yes, finish up my paper presentation at the conference.

3. Saving for my trip to Korea with Sarah and my mum.

4. Love myself more.

5. Live a healthy life.I need to start working out. I'm not getting any younger.

6. Be a better servant to Allah, our creator. Be a good daughter, student, teacher, friend, sister, niece, aunt, and a better human overall.

7. Spend my money wisely.

8. Searching for my soul mate. Boleh? InsyaAllah.

9. Make others happier.

10. Think positively, stay strong, never give up and keep smiling no matter how hard things would be.

11. Love what I do.

So, my goals are not listed according to priority. I hope I can achieve it. I know I can. So will you. And I'll start my new year with my family. Nothing better.




What past is past. Think about it once in a while but never dwell in it. Life will never go backwards, why would you? Have a better 2012 everyone.

Moving on

How an I suppose to change? Not talking bout new year resolution cause it's like writing all the things you won't be able to achieve for the year. Trust me, always does.

I don't blame the resolution, but it's all on me. I have been dragging myself, procrastinate for months. I really mean it, MONTHS!! I should conduct my survey, which I haven't did. I should prepare my paper, which 5% in progress since last 2 months. I need to meet with ministry ppl, I haven't do that yet. Basically, I've been lazying around. Relaxing, no? Stressing, yes!

I work best under pressure, I said that. Yes, but you know how unhealthy it can be. I can't sleep well, I can't eat well. If I keep continue this, I'm gonna ruining myself soon.

So, how I need to keep up? I don't have my motivator here. Yes, my mum. If she knew what I've been doing, she'll be so pissed off. I don't wanna scare her, worry her. I've got lot to do but I'm not moving on. It feels like something been tying me down, telling me I'll be just fine. But I got nightmare thinking of it.

I need to start working, but how? I'm lost. I need to change. I need to be new me. I need to keep on moving. Seriously.




You can, Wanie. Be confident. Don't pressure yourself. Past is past. Look forward and start new. When you start moving, things fall back nicely. Trust yourself. You better than you know.

I talk bout my Fiesta baby on my previous previous post, no? Come to think bout it, I'm capable to pay for it. It's just that I think that maybe I should start helping my parents rather than spending all my money on having that pricey car. It's beautiful, of course. I can't stop envying those who owns one but my parents should be my priority. Most of my friends already started working but I'm still studying, and maybe keep studying for another 5 years. I should help them when I'm capable of doing so, no? So, I guess I'll be having Fiesta when I got my 10k salary. Or maybe not. There will be another car by the time I make that much money.

So, should I buy a more decent, proper, reasonable car or should I keep using my mum's? She's been paying for the car, and I used it for free. I should give it back to her.


So yeah, that's my prob. Nah, I've got whole lots of other stuff to worry about.