A year update. Not much.

Aku xtau la sebenarnya ade ke x orang baca blog ni kan sebabnya aku sendiri pun xupdate kot. last update, bulan 12 tahun 2013. Setahun kot? Takleh lama lagi eh? Entahlah, bukan taknak update tapi byk sgt benda yang jadi smpai aku rasa kadang2 benda tu cam berlaku dalam drama je. Aku sebenarnya ada dua problem yang sangat parah. 

Yang pertama, aku xboleh overthink benda. Bila aku overthink, aku jadi risau sgt. Lepas tu aku jadi takut sgt. Lepas tu aku cam emo sgt2. And then aku down, xboleh tdor and rasa cam semuanya dah berakhir. Seriously walaupun bunyi cam xserius tapi mmg serious. Leh jadi depressed sgt2. Aku rasa cam aku nak lari g satu tempat yang orang xleh cari aku, xkenal aku, nk guna identiti baru and nak mula hidup baru. Hidup yang simple cam tanam pokok, bela binatang sendiri cukup untuk nak makan je. Sebab aku rasa aku xmampu nak hadapi masalah2 yang banyak sekarang ni. Masalah yang xde jln penyelesaian kecuali aku hadapi. Nak hadapi masalah tu bkn benda yang senang ye. Tapi bila aku fikirkan blk, rmai lagi orang yang ada masalah jauh lagi besar dari aku tpi dorang still teruskan hidup, positif lagi. Aku? Baru bagi masalah besar tu dah nk give up. Gile xbersyukur langsung kot. 

Yang kedua, aku xboleh hidup sorang2. Memang la xde sape2 pun boleh hidup sorang2 tapi maksud aku, aku mmg seriously xboleh hidup sorang2. Aku mesti kna ada kawan, atau orang temankan aku. Kalau x, aku jdi depressed sgt, rasa cam loser je. Sebab tu skrang ni aku rasa cm nak duduk kat umah je ngan family aku, cari keje kat umah pastu stay ngan parents aku. At least bila aku blk keje, ade orang kat umah. Bila aku sedih ke, marah ke, stress ke, gembira ke at least ade orang utk aku share. Aku rsa tenang kat tmpat yang ramai org. Aku rsa tenang bila aku dengar suara org. I love crowded places sbb tu aku suka g shopping mall. Leh x bg alasan lg ridiculous? Tapi seriously aku mmg cam tu, kira aku ni category clingy gila. Sebab aku rsa tenang kalau aku nmpak orang lain.

No one is perfect kan. What define us as a normal person? Jawapannya, nothing. Sebab lain orang, lain perangai. Walaupun ko rasa reason dia merapu je tpi mmg dia mcm tu. Jdi, bila korang jmpe orang2 yang korang rasa xsama cm korang, jgn la rsa dia pelik plak sbb mungkin pada orang lain, ko pun bkn normal sgt. Heh....

Anyway, aku dh 27 tahun depan. Banyak perancangan aku utk tahun depan tpi jadi atau tak tu aku xtau la. Tpi yang penting, aku positif dengan diri sendiri. Kena jadi positif sbb aku dh penat jdi negatif. Salah satu plan aku ialah, update blog ni selalu. InsyaAllah. Bukan utk orang baca je, tpi yang plg penting untuk diri sendiri. Bila aku baca blk msti ada bnda yang aku rsa cm sengal je. 

2014 has been a hard year for most of us Malaysian, but keep on having faith. Can't wait to welcome 2015.  Have a nice day ahead peeps. *even I'm not sure if there's anyone*

congratulations!

Congratulations for those who will get married or engaged. Unfortunately I can't come, sorry. More and more of my high school mates are now change their status to wife. Congrats guys! Be happy and may your marriage will bring blessings now just here but also in the hereafter.

too much

Whenever I try to write something, I'll erase it. Keep thinking, should I say it or shouldn't I? I learn that too much of anything will turn out bad. I have not visited my twitter page, or write anything on my fb wall or here lately. Too much of anything said will harm you. So silent is a better option. Keep it in your heart, and then throw away all of your hatred. Remind yourself of the good times and move on.

When was the last time I wrote in this blog? I can't remember it myself. Lots and lots of things had happened. There's fight between me and my bestie and we're still didn't talk to each other. I miss her for sure abut I don't wanna disappoint her ever again, thus it will be better for me to stay away. It seems like there's more person walk out of my life rather than the one coming in. No one to blame, maybe it's me.

I still unable to find the courage to meet up with him. I keep thinking bout him, every single thing remind me of him and I think one of my student resembles him a lot! I know that these kind of thing takes time and everything is fated but I don't think I'm strong enough to face it and not let myself immersed in my own emotions. Yes, he's the one still in my heart. I pray that I'm able to accept it if he's not meant for me.

Life is like this. Sometimes you're happy, sometimes something terrible happened. It's still hard for me to face it everyday. I can only write it here.

blank.hurt.torn

It's frustrating!
If you can be at my place and understand how hard for me to say it.
I'm torn.
I just want to run away from everything and everyone.
I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
I try.
Can you at least understand?
Sorry is the only word I know now.
It didn't do any good.
I know.
I try.

marriage talk AGAIN

First discussion I heard in 2012 is marriage. Lame! I know but I'm not getting any younger. To be honest, I'm quite worry about this since I don't have anyone. But, still I know that marriage is not determine by that. Sometimes it just happen. I'm happy for all my friends who already married or about to get married. And congratulations for my friend who about to welcome her 2nd child! Omo, 2nd already?! I'm really falling behind.

Marriage talk will never end until you're married, no? It's not about finding someone good as your partner, who doesn't want one but it's more about straighten yourself, prepare yourself to be a good partner as much you want your other half to be. I don't think I'm anywhere near it.

Marriage is not one of my plan for 2012 but we'll see. Life has no guarantee after all. So to Jieha, at least wait for me to get married first before you have your 3rd child, will ya?

Embracing 2012

First entry of 2012.

2011 in review.

1. My research is a mess. I'm procrastinating for months! And yet, I need to face my sv and tell him what I'm doing now. I'm stressed!

2. I have massive fight with one of my beloved bestie. Things not going well for us, it just doesn't seem to fit like we used to be.

3. I achieved absolutely nothing. My planning all went haywire.

4. I didn't go to 2PM concert which was like the most anticipated concert in my entire life!

5. I have no saving at all. I used to have one, until I start spending like miss Hilton and cause me my saving. Great!

The good thing that happen to me in 2011.

1. My family is still a very happy family. Alhamdulillah.

2. I met Mr. Y after quite some times and I have his new phone number.

3. I met my students outside and they still remember as their teacher even I'm not teaching them anymore. Alhamdulillah.


I said I hate new year resolution. But I really need to set some goals for this new year.

1. I am 24 this year. I hope my patience increase like my age.

2. I need to start finishing my research. Finish my survey, data analysis and thesis writing. And yes, finish up my paper presentation at the conference.

3. Saving for my trip to Korea with Sarah and my mum.

4. Love myself more.

5. Live a healthy life.I need to start working out. I'm not getting any younger.

6. Be a better servant to Allah, our creator. Be a good daughter, student, teacher, friend, sister, niece, aunt, and a better human overall.

7. Spend my money wisely.

8. Searching for my soul mate. Boleh? InsyaAllah.

9. Make others happier.

10. Think positively, stay strong, never give up and keep smiling no matter how hard things would be.

11. Love what I do.

So, my goals are not listed according to priority. I hope I can achieve it. I know I can. So will you. And I'll start my new year with my family. Nothing better.




What past is past. Think about it once in a while but never dwell in it. Life will never go backwards, why would you? Have a better 2012 everyone.

Moving on

How an I suppose to change? Not talking bout new year resolution cause it's like writing all the things you won't be able to achieve for the year. Trust me, always does.

I don't blame the resolution, but it's all on me. I have been dragging myself, procrastinate for months. I really mean it, MONTHS!! I should conduct my survey, which I haven't did. I should prepare my paper, which 5% in progress since last 2 months. I need to meet with ministry ppl, I haven't do that yet. Basically, I've been lazying around. Relaxing, no? Stressing, yes!

I work best under pressure, I said that. Yes, but you know how unhealthy it can be. I can't sleep well, I can't eat well. If I keep continue this, I'm gonna ruining myself soon.

So, how I need to keep up? I don't have my motivator here. Yes, my mum. If she knew what I've been doing, she'll be so pissed off. I don't wanna scare her, worry her. I've got lot to do but I'm not moving on. It feels like something been tying me down, telling me I'll be just fine. But I got nightmare thinking of it.

I need to start working, but how? I'm lost. I need to change. I need to be new me. I need to keep on moving. Seriously.




You can, Wanie. Be confident. Don't pressure yourself. Past is past. Look forward and start new. When you start moving, things fall back nicely. Trust yourself. You better than you know.

I talk bout my Fiesta baby on my previous previous post, no? Come to think bout it, I'm capable to pay for it. It's just that I think that maybe I should start helping my parents rather than spending all my money on having that pricey car. It's beautiful, of course. I can't stop envying those who owns one but my parents should be my priority. Most of my friends already started working but I'm still studying, and maybe keep studying for another 5 years. I should help them when I'm capable of doing so, no? So, I guess I'll be having Fiesta when I got my 10k salary. Or maybe not. There will be another car by the time I make that much money.

So, should I buy a more decent, proper, reasonable car or should I keep using my mum's? She's been paying for the car, and I used it for free. I should give it back to her.


So yeah, that's my prob. Nah, I've got whole lots of other stuff to worry about.

Ombak Rindu review

Dah tgk Ombak Rindu? Kalau dah, ok la, kalau belom, ikot suka korang la nak tgk ke tak. So, aku rasa review ni maybe ada yg setuju, ada jgk yg membantah sgt2. Terpulang la kan. As a viewer, I would say that I'm not really satisfied with the movie. The plot is okay, the casting plak so-so, boleh la lepas, the acting part is a lil bit here and there, OST plak cam hampeh.

1. Plot

The storyline tu dah ubah sikit, tapi tak kesah sgt yang tu. Nama pun adaptasi, takkan korang nak sejibik-sejibik cam dalam novel tu kan. Tapi maybe there are crucial parts yang dorang skip, maybe lebih duration kot.

2. Casting

Maya as Izzah? It does sounds weird to me mula2 dengar. Tapi she can carry the role better than what I expected. Not perfect but acceptable. Cuma part mengaji2 tu lagunya lain cam besa kita dengar. Mmg xslh kalau lagunya lain, tapi bunyi cam pelik cket. Pronounciation plak agak boleh diimprovekan lagi tapi still forgiven la. She works hard, it's good.

3. Acting

I was kinda dissapointed with the acting. Not all, but some. For example, Datuk Sufiah yang konon2nya vicious tu. I think Azizah Mahzan can do lot better than that. I thought I was watching Putri Gunung Ledang for a moment when she talks. I don't know if she supposed to sounds like orang bangsawan dulu2 bercakap. Instead of a vicious woman she supposed to be like in the novel, I think she resembles more of a drama queen. Not vicious tapi over the top. With her over powdered face and red lipstick time halau Izzah, she started to look like Kak Limah. Pernah tgk drama korea, Boys Over Flower? Aku bayangkan mak dia cam mak si hero tu. Mmg nampak jahat giler tp tak drama queen. She's cold.

Lisa, ok. Boleh la. There's a lot that she can improves. I love Lisa, don't get me wrong but I can see how hard she tried to play the role of Mila. It doesn't look natural to me, more like she push it a lil too hard. Macam terlalu dibuat2 watak dia tu.

Aaron punya acting, ok. Nothing new sbb dah banyak sangat aku tgk watak dia yang cam tu. Nak komen lebih2 pun xtau sangat.

4. OST

Mula2 dgr ost dlm movie tu I was like, okay, sedap la jugak. Dapat la feel sedih tu. Tapi kalo asyik repeat lagu yang sama, part yang sama like 20 times in the movie, in every scene, menyampah la jugak aku dgr. Asyik2...'tuhan tolongla.....' lagi2 'tuhan tolongla...' Takde ke lagu lain? Kalau ye pun, kurangkan cket pun xpe. Ilang fokus aku bila aku dgr lagu tu. Dari awal smpai la akhir. Ada jugka lagu lain tapi lagu yang si Adira tu nyanyi la yang paling bnyak.

Ada orang tgk cerita ni sampai nangis2, abih basah tudung. Yang laki pun ada jugak yang nangis. So aku pun mesti la nak tau sedih sgt ke. Part mana yang sedih sgt tu. Tapi in the end, aku asyik ketawa sebab lakonan Azizah Mahzan tu. And part last yang Pak Dolah bgtau yang Hariz tu anak dia. Cakap je la laki Datuk Sufiah tu merayu kat dia mntak bagi anak dia, yang ko kene buat muka dia time tu kenapa. Seriously aku gelak smpai berair mata. Hahaha....maybe ada orang pelik nape aku gelak, sama la macam aku pelik nape korang nangis. Dari citer romatik, aku rasa dah boleh jadi romantik komedi dah. Tapi masing2 punya choice la kan. As one of the viewer and orang yang baca novel tu, dis is what I thought.


So kalo korang nak tgk, sila kan. Kalau rasa cam ragu2, maybe ko tggu kat Astro je la ye. So, overall rating? Aku rasa 2.5/5. Sebab aku mmg xpuas ati sgt citer ni.

marriage at 23? me?

It was kinda tension for me when I open my fb page and seeing all the congratulatory status and pics of my friends, mainly my high school mates on their engagement or wedding day. I mean, we're just 23, no? Is it me who are already too late to get married or those ppl getting married too early? My mum married when she was 23 years old, and that was 23 years ago! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. It's just that they make me feel like I'm supposed to get married now too. Like I'm on the prime age of getting married. I'm planning to do that, earliest will be 26, latest will definitely before 30. But still, I'm only gonna finish my study when I'm 28, and that's like 5 years from now. But again, it just my planning. If it written I would get married next month, then I will.

You know what, I think the reason is I'm not ready for this kind of commitment just yet. I heard somewhere that among the reason why your 'jodoh' is late is because you, yourself are not ready. And maybe all of my other friends are ready for the responsibility. So, stop complaining about it Wanie! Just focus on your study and remember your goal!

I don't really know what makes me happy in this world.
Sometimes, things feel so real, at one moment it feel so fake.
Things that feel so rite can be so wrong.
I have no idea what I want, waking up staring at the ceiling wondering what should I do every single day.
I should get myself straight but I just don't know how.

you're right!

Looking at others busy studying for test and exam, and seeing their tension faces just put a smile on my face. Not because of I like seeing people in stress, it's just that they remind me of my days when I used to be one of them. I believe that now, no matter what, cherish the moment cause you will definitely missed it once everything come to an end.

No matter what is the situation you're in, wishing that you can escape from it and live a different life won't just guarantee that you will be happier. Facing the problem is the only solution instead of running away from it. It's not easy but nothing is impossible. I'll strive for better thing, think positive and live my life happily. And you should too!

Mum, I can cry now? I miss you, I miss the family. This been too hard lately, I can't find my strength to move on. It hurts, it's tiring. I wanna stop here. Everything seems different now, I don't belong here, this is not my place.

It hurts so much, I hate myself for being such a loser. Mum, I really need you to hug me now and tell me I can go through this period. I know I'm a big girl now but I need you always. I miss you. I shouldn't cry by my tears keep rolling down my cheek. I want to go 10 years back, but I can't.

nothing in particular

Do you have bought anything and not regret it till now even though it cost you like hundreds or thousand bucks? I do. I never regret buying it, everyone envy it and told me how beautiful it is. It just made me happy!

whatever

Whatever....! I can't exactly describe the things that have been bothering me. But I guess for the first time, I really wanna give up on it. I couldn't care anymore, tiring! I need space to breathe for myself. I do what I want, how I want. Ok?

Being a punching bag is tiring, exhausting! I don't care. I couldn't care less. Enough is enough, I'm not gonna follow the game anymore. Suffer yourself, ok?

Selfish Wanie, yes I am one. What to do? I don't have feelings anymore, thanks to you.


Ok. Bye!

to you, from me with love~~

I've known you for 9 years already, we're best friend for more than 7 years. I know you inside and out, your problems, things you don't want others to know. Whatever happen, whatever you said or done, I promise myself not to let you go. I want us to be best friends forever, can we? I'll face all the ups and downs for us. For you dear, I would really want you to know, I never get mad with you, I know that you're such a nice girl, just with a little ups and down with the mood things. No one ever clean up my place like you do back then, no one listen to my problems and be there when I want to cry even if you can't understand a thing. No one let me hug you like I did with you, I can always be the kids I want to be when I'm with you and fool around. I always have other bestie but none can be like you. It hurts me to see you sad, to see you in trouble, so be happy always k? We'll be supporting big bang together forever and live together if we don't get married later. Hahaha....Nur Awatif Ahmad, I'm really very happy to ever know you and be your friend. I love you so much, you know that...so cheer up k...

the reason why

It's been 3 years already since I start blogging. So many things I said here, some are used back to me, harsh words, mean words, things I shouldn't write. But this blog, is my virtual diary, I'm not a diary girl, but sometimes there are words I want to write. Sometimes I write with anger, sometimes with a big smiles and sometimes even with tears.

For me, it's not about traffic, extra income, followers, I don't pay attention to those things simply because I'm not good at writing. But I write my heart out, it does feel better to be able to write. When it comes to lovey dovey touchy stuff, I'll write in English, I do most of the times coz I'm comfortable with it. When I'm angry, it would be in Malay.

I enjoy reading other people's story, what happen to them everyday, what is their dream and others. This is starting a lil bit like an essay I do back then in high school but who cares? The one I hold so dear in my heart are here in the blog.

This library is getting colder, there's a lot of things for me to do. Don't really know where to start and end up writing here, typical me.

when mouth can't say it,,,,,

Sorry if the fact hurts you
I can't lie anymore
If you think that I'm a bad friend
Forgive me
It's just that I can't lie anymore
Maybe I am not a good friend to you
It's hard for me to follow you
It feels hard when I have to change myself
I always feel like that
I'm not giving excuses
Just that I don't think we see eye to eye
In most things
I pray for your success now and hereafter
If only I can tell you what I really feel
I'm sorry

the story of life

Every post citer pasal kawen, tak penat ke? Aku penat, penat pikir and berangan, so biarla semuanya jadi macam yang dah tertulis ye tak? Jodoh tu kan kerja Tuhan, jadi tak perlu nak extremely worried plak, setiap yang berlaku tu ada hikmahnya, kan?

Tadi terlepas cakap dengan mak yang mmber housemate termasuk la anak dia ni rasa terbeban bila sambung master sebab bukan kehendak sendiri, tapi more or less terpaksa la. Tapi, aku tak bermaksud pun nak kata mak aku tu paksa, sendiri yang buat keputusan even almost 90 percent of the decision is sebab tak nak parents kecewa.

Penat belajar ni, kalo tak minat, kalo terpaksa. Tapi bila mak aku cakap, dalam dunia ni takde benda yang senang, semua benda ada kesusahan masing2. Memang betol tu sebab aku fikir, kalo aku keje pun, aku rasa aku still akan tensen. stress. Bila aku tgk kawan2 dah keje, cam best je tapi dengar jgk citer2 yang bos ni mcm2 perangai, byk keje melambak2. Bila tgk mmber yang tak keje lagi rasa cam best je still leh duk umah relax tak payah tensen wat research cam aku tp still dorang tensen sbb dorang still tak dpt keje yang sesuai. So pendek kata, bersyukur la dengan apa yang ada, sesungguhnya Tuhan tu lebih mengetahui perihal rezeki hamba-hambaNya. Terasa cam ustazah la plak...hehehe....

Anyway, hidup kena diteruskan. masa depan, takde sape yang tau. So, use each and every moment wisely coz as someone very knowledgeable used to said, the things that is the farthest from us is the past time. no one can ever turn it back. So Wanie, get back on your feet and start moving forward, there is more to life you need to discover.

Good night readers!